For the Words of Christ will tell you it's hopeless

It was the first week of school after a particularly trying summer. I had been yelling at the kids way too much. We hadn’t had much schedule. I was dealing with my own feelings of inadequacy and struggle while pregnant with our 4^th child. I could see the devastating effects of my shortcomings on my children and how they had mirrored my inability to cope with their big emotions. It had been rough. But I was on the up and up of the cycle, so feeling a little better, a little more hope. I kept trying. I had given up too many times during the summer, but school was here. I was going to change. I had had a lot of good moments recently.  I had even started my morning routine (again!) and my prayers had become more sincere.

I was feeling better, but still looking for some practical tools to help my family. But the more I looked, the more ads I got on facebook. “How to stop yelling,” “Five days to a better you,” “Get your kids to listen without nagging”  Etc. The more I looked, the more overwhelmed I felt! Then, one day scrolling through my newsfeed, I saw a scripture posted, “Feast upon the words of Christ, of the words of Christ shall tell you all things that you should do.” I realized I’d been looking for all this help outside of myself, outside of my prayers, outside of inspiration. So I thought, “That’s right. I just need some Divine Assistance here!” and with a prideful, haughty attitude and still a bit of cynicism that had laced my summer, I committed to read my scriptures with the intent to be told exactly what to do.

Well, as it happened, I was nearing the end of the Book of Mormon. You know, that awful part where everybody dies? It’s such a sad book! Anyway, as I read it, I felt very sarcastic. Jokingly, I told my husband that ‘I had read the scriptures looking for answers and found that all hope is lost.  Maybe the best answer would be to just kill the people I didn’t like! That's what the Nephites and Lamanites did!’

 I should not be so lighthearted about important things. I am learning. He gently chided me that perhaps I was missing an important element of “Reading” the scriptures. Reading the words can lead to all sorts of false interpretations. He suggested I read after starting with sincere prayer. I still felt satirical and brushed him off. But deep inside, I knew he was right and I needed to change.

The next morning, I read another chapter, this time much more sincerely. As I read of the terrible events of the Nephite’s last days, I noticed God’s love for those wicked people. He pleaded with them to repent. Moroni told them that God had preserved them time and time again and was giving them a chance to change, if they would but take it. I was able to clearly see in my own life how many times God had saved me and how merciful He had been in my own life. I was humbled again by my circumstances and my life and felt called to repentance. My life wasn’t in any sort of danger like the Nephites, but my family needed me and I was Definitely getting beaten by the unseen swords of darkness.

I felt so grateful for the gentle chastisement of a loving God. He loves us so much!  Truly, feasting on His words will help us know what to do. Over the next two days, I felt such a change in myself. I was able to speak more gently to my often-overpowering son.  I felt the anger come, and was able to take a deep breath before reacting. I watched as my children saw my example. THEY SAW ME!! My job as a mom is so vital!

This is one of those experiences that will forever change me. All my problems didn’t go away and I can’t claim that I will never yell again. But my faith has been strengthened. My resolve solidified. I am a mother. I am a daughter of God. I am important. God knows me- and feasting on His words will truly tell me what I should do!