LIES

You were born to great privilege and with that comes specific obligations.

I have had a belief that has held me back as long as I can remember. It has stopped me from talking to people, stopped me from connecting to hurting souls. It has stopped me from sharing my light because I have felt that I had no right, no place, no possible understanding of what somebody was going through. How could I lift someone higher if i didn't know what they were going through? Because I had been so greatly blessed, I had no right to speak to anybody who was struggling. These are my most desperate, inner thoughts and I am tired of it holding me back. I am breaking through them in this instant as I write. I’ve had these thoughts in me forever and they have been surfacing more and more. Two days ago, somebody shared a quote from the movie Ever After. “You were born to great privilege, and with that comes specific obligations.”  That was the push. That was the last straw and here I am. Scared; but in power at the same time. I was born to great privilege and with that comes specific obligations and great responsibility. So. Here goes.

I was born to a good family in a good home. I was given a gift that is becoming more rare all the time. I have two good parents who love each other and love their children. Good, Christian parents who did their very best to teach us faith and teach us what they believed to be good, solid life principles. We ate dinner together and prayed together every night. My family treated each other with respect.

I have never been abused. In any way. I never got beat or raped by an adult. I never got beat up, or even hardly bullied at school. I’ve never had somebody yell at me incessantly. I’ve never allowed anybody to belittle me much. I haven’t always had good self-esteem, but I knew it was wrong to be treated mean and never stood for it.

I have a nearly perfect husband. We have the most romantic love story and he is my best friend. We don’t have “marriage problems” because he is so patient and kind and we communicate openly and sincerely with each other.

I grew up in a pretty nice neighborhood. I mean, first of all, I grew up in America. That in and of itself can be considered prestigious. But when I went to sleep at night, I didn’t fear. We had no bars on our windows. I even walked through the neighborhood sometimes at night. It’s not always a smart idea, but I felt safe and knew all my neighbors.  When I heard sirens, my little mind thought, “Oh, I hope that person is ok.” I didn’t think about drug busts or violence. Some of this is personality, some of it is circumstance.  I was always in awe at how beautiful our neighborhood was in the spring time. One of my neighbors had lilac bushes that I loved and somehow the soft fragrance made the world seem perfect.

I have never gone hungry. Growing up, we always had food in our house. Even though my parents struggled financially, I could never see it. They would tell us we didn’t have money, but I could clearly see: I still had a house. We still had food. My parents always had a car or two, even if my Dad was always working on it. I was always able to go to the store and see that food was available. I remember when I was about 7 years old going shopping with my mom and seeing the rows and rows of food. I remember crying because I felt grateful for what I had, but guilty that not everybody had this. I was seven. I cared about people. Everywhere.  I wanted every person to have what I had. But I knew it was not possible to ever give enough to feed the world. So I felt guilty.

I have an incredible body. Everybody on this earth does. I mean, just think about skin for a minute. It is amazing! It grows by itself. If you get a cut, your skin knows how to heal itself. It knows how to regulate your temperature. It’s waterproof! It’s strong, it’s sensitive, it’s amazing. Then, think about our muscles. Ok, I won’t go into all that now, but I have spent countless hours just thinking about how awesome our physical bodies are. One thing I always did in school was just open and close my fist and think about how many nerves and muscles and everything it took just to make that action. I would think about how grateful I was for just that movement. It was a way to change my thinking and an easy place to start counting my blessings.

I see things like that. I see the world differently than many people I know. And I’ve always wanted to share it. I’ve always wanted a way to show thousands of people how incredible life really is. When I was little, we used to watch a show about Real-Life Heroes. I wanted to be a hero. BUT. I couldn’t be. I’m not Great.

I used to wish something bad would happen to me just so I could show my greatness. If I got in a car accident or something terrible, I would be so positive and the whole hospital staff would like me. I would be able to lift their spirits and remind them of the good in life.  I could be Great. When I think of people who are Great, I think of people who have really accomplished a lot in this world. People who have been able to inspire and uplift others. But Great People always seem to have their ‘story’. They started out in an abusive home, they overcame drug addictions, they have been homeless etc. They started out with nothing and have risen to the top--and now they have the right to speak to others so that they can say, “I’ve been there, I know.” And “Look at me, look where I am now.” And “If I can do it, so can you.” They become a Hero. They inspire others because they overcame, they excelled despite problems and barriers. They are Great........Greater than I ever could be. Because I started out good - the odds don't seem stacked against me. Because I don’t have an obvious mountain to climb.  I have always had so much inside me. I have always wanted to show people the greatness I see around us. But I have no story. I can’t say those things that help others relate to me.

At least, that is lie that has been holding me back. The lie is: If I haven’t experienced something myself, I cannot relate to another person who has, I cannot have empathy; since I cannot relate, I cannot  adequately serve or lift another. I cannot learn vital life lessons without going through every experience.  As I have identified this lie, brought it to my conscious mind, and written it down, I have seen the absurdity. Seriously?!? I’ve believed that?! Yeah. Consciously and unconsciously. I just haven’t been open enough to truly express it. I remember crying at girl’s camp one summer because some of the girls had an emotional conversation about their trials and I felt like I couldn’t be a part of it because I wouldn’t understand. I felt like I had so much good in my life that I couldn't cry with them. I have held back insights and advice when friends have talked to me because I thought they felt I wouldn’t understand. They were coming to me for help, and I held back! Because of my own insecurities.

I honestly have believed that I need to experience an observable tragedy in order to be able to stand in power.

But let’s get real! So I’m not an orphan who grew up in the harshness of the streets. So I’m not starving in a 3rd world country, or even the inner cities of America. So I haven’t experienced every terror and heartbreak and trial out there. Nobody has! Even Job didn’t experience everything! But I have had my hardships and my heartbreak. I have heard and listened to the lies. I have had the same dark, ugly thoughts of unworthiness, ugliness, inadequacy, fear, depression, anger, frustration, victimhood, and worthlessness as everybody else. I know because I’ve started to listen to people. Really Listen. And. I’ve started to listen to myself and to my own thoughts. I’ve seen when, where, and why I have been so depressed and held back. The dark thoughts that go through my head have said the SAME thing that have gone through the head of the most awful victim. THAT’S HOW THE DEVIL WORKS!!  He wants us to be miserable. So he tells us lies that we are UNWORTHY. He tells the SAME lies to EVERYBODY. It doesn’t matter what you have gone through, he will tell you that it’s because you are not good enough. I am not good enough to have obvious “trials” like people around me. Maybe I am too weak to handle it. You are not good enough and that’s why you don’t have enough money. She is not good enough and that’s why somebody took advantage of her. He is not good enough and that’s why his mom had to die. LIES!!! They hold us down. These false beliefs keep us from becoming Great. We begin to live our life according to our experiences, or rather, our perceptions of those experiences and what we feel they say about us. The truth is, our worth is no more defined by our experiences than a car by it’s color. Our worth is not defined by our circumstances. Or our race or religion or beliefs or background or anything. It is not what you’ve been through that makes you Great or worthless. We each have divine worth just because we ARE. Nothing we do or don’t do, nothing we experience or don’t experience can add to or take away from that worth. We are worthy and we are Great because we are children of GOD.

God loves us. He wants us to be like Him. But we are not. We are imperfect. We each have weaknesses to overcome and lessons we need to learn. So God is giving us the opportunity to learn those lessons in the experiences of this life. Every experience you or I have EVER been through--good, bad, ugly, easy, hard, is ALL for our learning and growth to perfection. If you have been hurt, you have the opportunity to give forgiveness. If you have caused pain, you have to opportunity to receive forgiveness. I truly, honestly, and sincerely believe that good can come from EVERY situation that has ever occurred on this planet. I believe in a God who is that aware, that all knowing, that full of Love and concern for every, single one of His creations, especially His children. He KNOWS us. He LOVES us. Every single child is unique and special and sacred and WORTHY. We each have different, unique needs and our lives are perfectly orchestrated to meet those needs.

In this perfect plan, each of us are blessed with a specific purpose. We all have unique gifts to give and unique challenges to overcome. We all have unique lessons to be learned that can only be learned the way that we are experiencing life right now.

I have experienced the life I have for a reason. I have lessons to learn of acceptance and abundance. I have many, many lessons to learn. Last year I had a conversation with my sweet Brady about where we were going to live, I expressed some of these feelings of unworthiness and of not being able to relate to anybody. I told him that if I were to live in a mud hut in some tiny village, I know I would be so happy. I would just love it and be the happiest little girl in the village. I would be able to show everyone around me the joy of just living. And nobody would be able to say, “Of course you’re happy, look at what you have.” I know myself and I know my spirit and I would be happy with very, very little. But Brady helped me to see that by saying that, by saying “if my situation were different” I was hiding behind my ‘story’ or experience just as much as somebody in the opposite situation. (A person in a hut saying they’d be able to truly express themselves in a house.) I was allowing myself to be held back because of LIES. I felt unworthy to shine my great light. I have allowed my situation to keep me from living who I really am, from being Great. I am a daughter of God. I have unique gifts to give and I have a unique purpose in this life.

My experiences are not your experiences. You have been through hard things. I have been through hard things, and most of it in my mind. I have struggled with feelings of unworthiness, just as so, so many others. But I am tired of hiding. I don’t believe the lie anymore. I am ready to let go of my story and just share what I know! I know who I am and I understand that most people in this world are not reaching their true potential. I know how to see the world as a beautiful and perfect place. I know how to love and to lift others. Because that’s who I am. And somehow, aside from anything I have or have not gone through in this mortal life, my mind, my spirit, my soul knows that. I know that this is my calling. This is who I am. I am a light. I bring joy. My only desire is to bring people up and see how perfect life can be. I am optimistic. I am not perfect. But I sincerely want to be. And I want the whole world around me to be. All of my life I have allowed lies like this to keep me down. I don’t want to cower any more. Yes, I have been extremely blessed. If you are reading this, you have been too. And if you have been blessed, you have specific obligations, and more than that, you have special gifts to bring into this world and to share with other people. I am standing up and standing out. My goal in life is to live true to who I am. I will be happy in a hut or in a mansion and I will live my life to bring others joy and do all I can to help you see the good in your life. However, I certainly have my problems too. And so with my declaration, I also ask that you help me too. As we go through this life, we may struggle, but we will learn and grow and it is in the growth that we find so much joy. It is in the joy that we meet our specific obligations as well as fulfill the measure of our creation!

I let my boy wear mascara

This is my very first blog post ever. I am not going to waste time on an introduction or anything right now, I just want to get my story out and maybe it will help you. I will get all that stuff done later. I have been putting this off for too long. So here goes. 
I guess it will be helpful to know that I have two adorable children and one incredible husband.  I learn so much from them and I feel like I should share what I learn. This first story is about my little boy. It’s a few months old, but this was one of those moments in time that changed forever forward. And. I’m going to use their names instead of nicknames, because, well, that’s what I call them. My son is Ryan, my daughter is Katelyn. Please protect them. If you have any ill intent, leave now. Thanks. :) 
Ok, getting on with it. Last summer, Katelyn was about 5 or 6 weeks old is all. (which means Ryan was 16 months.) I had been nursing her and had just laid her down for her nap. I had noticed that Ryan had been quiet for a few too many minutes. 

Now, if you knew my son, you would know that a LOT can happen in just a few minutes. He is what Carol Tuttle classifies as a Type 3 Determined Child. (I highly recommend her and her books.) He is ALWAYS moving and exploring and climbing and going and doing ANYthing he puts his mind to. So, a few minutes of silence is often cause for...if not alarm, at least a check-on to see what’s going on. I never really know what I might find. 

So I quietly walked down the hall and found him in the bathroom. He was standing on the side of the bathtub which made me smile, but then he looked up at me and to my terror, had my mascara ALL over his face! I didn’t stop to see that he smiled at me with pride at what he had done. He pointed to his eyes, “Eyes!” he said happily. I gasped and ran to him. I didn’t stop to think that he was doing exactly what he had seen me do every morning. I didn’t acknowledge what he had accomplished. All I saw was a mess. All I saw was that he was in my stuff--again! MY stuff. All I saw was that, despite my efforts to stop him, he had “gone behind my back” to do exactly what I had told him not to several times.  I yanked the mascara from his hand and shouted “No! Ryan, No! That’s bad!” (Even writing this is still kind of hard to admit and remember! And this is why I must get it out!) 

I saw the look on his face immediately. He was terrified that I would shout at him. Confused at my anger and hurt by my reaction to his amazing accomplishment. Instantly he burst into full on tears. It was like somebody had sprayed him with a water gun. He gave me one last tear-my-heart-out look that told me I had just done the same to him before he ran out of the bathroom. He ran into my bedroom and cried and cried. It had all happened so fast! I couldn’t believe what I had just done! I ran after to apologize, to make it right. I realized what I had done. I tried to make it better by taking a picture, you know, “something to laugh at later.” But he just kept crying. (I eventually deleted the photo because it hurt too much to look at.) I couldn’t console him. I felt so foolish. How was I so blind? My heart ached. I remembered how it felt when anybody even raised their voice at me--I was quite a sensitive little girl. Finally, he let me hold him close. I prayed and cherished the embrace. I pulled the mascara from behind my back. I had still held it, not wanting him to “ruin my stuff.” But now, my pride was gone. Nothing, especially a stupid tube of mascara was worth hurting my little baby boy over. I let him hold it. Again, he pointed to his eyes, “Eyes.” I asked him if he was proud of himself for all that he had done. He was. And now I could see it too. I mean, to get to it, he had to climb up onto the toilet, onto the counter, look thru my box, find the mascara, get all the way back down, open the tube, and even get it up near his eyes. Although it was all over his face, he had definitely succeeded in covering his long lashes. 

I asked his forgiveness, which he freely gave. He buried his messy face into my shoulder. We went outside to change to mood. He loves outside. I didn’t care that he was wearing only a diaper and socks. I didn’t care that his hair was unruly. And I didn’t care that I hadn’t washed his face from all the mascara. Or that new neighbors were moving in. It did cross my mind that it must look silly, but it didn’t matter.  I only cared that he was happy. My tiny little boy. He is so innocent and precious. That night I prayed a long time. I replayed the entire situation. Only this time, I asked my Savior to come and be with us as it happened. I asked for Ryan’s protection against my anger for just a moment so that I could learn this valuable, vital lesson. I asked forgiveness and gave sincere thanks for the Atonement that covers mistakes like this and gave thanks for what I learned. I committed to do better next time. And this has honestly made such a difference in my life. It has changed the way I interact with my son and my daughter and everybody around me.

I know now life has nothing to do with “my stuff” or with my baby “disobeying me”. Obedience has nothing to do with raising children anyway. AND children aren't "bad." It's just not possible for a baby to do something bad. What’s important is to allow them to be who they really are. And to learn from them. Not only to learn about what they need to do, but what I need to do and who I need to become.

The very next day, he hit his sister for the first time. I didn’t even think to gasp and react harshly--yesterday’s experience was still too vivid. I calmly spoke with him and helped him understand his feelings and how to be nice. I was so grateful that I had learned so much the day before with something insignificant like mascara instead of with something so precious as his relationship with his sister. God really is gracious like that! Later, when I saw the diaper cream all over both his hands and mouth and all over the couch, I didn’t get mad. I had him help me clean it up. When he pushed a chair over to the counter, got up and into the cupboard, got down the bread, dumped it out on the floor and took a bite out of every piece, I could see how amazing this little boy is. I see his determination. I see his diligence. He is so smart. So incredible. So childlike. So perfect. And I am allowing him to do his Divine job--teaching me.

I have to admit. Sometimes I allow supervised makeup play. He does a lot less damage when I'm there. And I know all he wants to do is play and explore and figure things out. Don't judge when you see my boy with eye shadow and mascara. I'm sure he'll grow out of it. After all, he's just barely figuring out that he's a "BOY!"