This post is about another experience I had awhile back, about 8 or 9 months ago I guess. A little background about my babies. Ryan didn’t sleep through the night until he was 23 months old. There were many nights when my sweetheart and I were up all night rocking and soothing and crying. We would cry as much as he did sometimes. Then we learned to take turns. We gained some sanity. Then things got a little better, but still, never sleeping through the whole night. It was very hard. I thought it was just Ryan. I thought I was alone and would never sleep again. We have since found the answers and life has been blissfully better, but it took a long time. It was hard. Looking back now, I really have no idea how we were able to keep our sanity. I can’t imagine not sleeping again. Anyway, surprisingly, after Katelyn was born, things got a lot better. He was able to go to sleep with only some soothing and even started sleeping through the night occasionally. When Katelyn was born, EVERYTHING about her was different from Ryan, but a significant difference was her sleeping. She would sleep 5 or 6 hours right away. She would eat well, nap well, and sleep in the night. It was incredible! I loved having a baby that I knew would go to sleep!! I didn’t worry about her sleep schedule, I just took it for granted. With her being such a good sleeper and Ryan learning to be so much better, things were definitely looking up! I was happy and rested.
Then...things started to change. Ryan took a dip in his full night’s sleeps and naps were getting harder and harder. We had cycled a little with him before, so it was a little frustrating, but what was really getting to me was Kate! My little sleepy baby wasn’t sleeping anymore! She started waking up several times a night wanting to nurse and cuddle. I was getting tired. But what was even more difficult was putting her to sleep. I would go through the whole night time routine, get her all ready, put her in the crib, pat her to sleep and try to sneak out the door. As soon as I started to leave her cribside, she would cry. Then it got even worse as she would cry and fuss and scream before I even put her down. One time, for several days, she was especially fussy. It was just so tiring and so frustrating. The second I would put her down on her back in the crib, she would wake up and flail and cry.
The inner turmoil in my mind was so great I couldn’t think straight. It was all my fault!! I was ruining another child! It wasn’t just Ryan’s personality that gave him a hard time, it was ME! I couldn’t handle it! The thought of 2 more years of never sleeping was so exhausting! What was I doing WRONG!! What was wrong with me! I thought it was Ryan, but since Katelyn had started out a good sleeper, the evidence was crystal clear: it was a flaw in my parenting! Why wouldn’t she sleep?! I was soo tired! What was the problem?! After the third night of agony, I was just beside myself! I was so angry and tired and frustrated and GUILTY. More than the fatigue or any lack of sleep, the GUILT of it all was tearing me apart!! That night my sweet husband finally took my crying baby from my weak arms and eventually rocked her to sleep. I went to bed alone. I was tired and angry and frustrated and alone. What had I done wrong to my babies?!? What did I not know that everybody else seemed to understand? I had RUINED another baby. (yeah, those were my thoughts. It was a very difficult night.) As I had for weeks with Katelyn and almost two years for Ryan, I prayed again. Frustration clouded my thoughts. Finally, my emotions boiled down and I was still inside. Tired, but still. Somehow the anger was gone and I could think. I thought of my day. I thought of my kids. I thought of Katelyn. Then I realized she hadn’t had a dirty diaper in 3 days. The last 3 days of extreme fussiness!! I drifted to sleep.
The next morning, felt much better than yesterday or the day before. No real explanation, I just felt better inside. We went about our morning like usual, then Katelyn let out this really strange, painful cry and a little toot. I remembered my realizations (revelations) from the night before. My poor baby had a bad stomach ache and had for several days! I tried to lay her on her back and work on her tummy (Tummy massage--it’s magic, I know some awesome tricks!) I massaged her through the fussiness and then put her in our kitchen sink for a bath. She was in the bath for a long time. Suddenly, she let out that strange cry and started grunting. I won’t go into details, but after much work on her part, and some help from me, she finally passed a very hard stool. It made her little bottom bleed and she cried. I got her out of the bath and dried, but then it happened again- more hard stool, a little more bleeding. I put her back in the sink to help comfort and soothe her. She stayed in the bath another 20 minutes or so. When she was ready to get out, I picked her up and she cracked and popped all the way down her back. (Like chiropractic adjustment kind of popping.) Lots of pops. I took her over to get dressed and when I put her on her back, she didn’t squirm for the first time in days. Apparently she'd had a backache too! I got her all ready and my little princess fell sound asleep! Blissful, deep, restful sleep! And she didn’t cry at all! I felt so happy.
The whole thing was quite an experience for me. I felt bad that she had been in so much pain, but glad it was over. I felt bad that I didn’t know it, but grateful for the lessons I had learned. I realized I had been so caught up in the frustration and guilt, that I hadn’t taken time to be quiet and listen for answers. I jumped to the conclusion that I was obviously the problem and that there was nothing I could do. I just needed to find somebody ELSE who knew the answer and could tell me. My GUILT had completely blocked me from receiving revelation. Projecting my fear into the future --my fear of years of never sleeping, fears of “ruining” my child, fear of being a bad mom--had kept me from finding ANY peace IN the moment. I really had not been THAT exhausted when I had tried to rock my baby to sleep. But the thoughts of how long this would go on was more consuming than anything I had physically felt. I was angry at myself. I was angry and my innocent baby. I was angry at everyone else who seemed to know more than me but were keeping this valuable information to themselves. Then, in a moment of quiet reflection, I found answers that had always available to me.
Then...things started to change. Ryan took a dip in his full night’s sleeps and naps were getting harder and harder. We had cycled a little with him before, so it was a little frustrating, but what was really getting to me was Kate! My little sleepy baby wasn’t sleeping anymore! She started waking up several times a night wanting to nurse and cuddle. I was getting tired. But what was even more difficult was putting her to sleep. I would go through the whole night time routine, get her all ready, put her in the crib, pat her to sleep and try to sneak out the door. As soon as I started to leave her cribside, she would cry. Then it got even worse as she would cry and fuss and scream before I even put her down. One time, for several days, she was especially fussy. It was just so tiring and so frustrating. The second I would put her down on her back in the crib, she would wake up and flail and cry.
The inner turmoil in my mind was so great I couldn’t think straight. It was all my fault!! I was ruining another child! It wasn’t just Ryan’s personality that gave him a hard time, it was ME! I couldn’t handle it! The thought of 2 more years of never sleeping was so exhausting! What was I doing WRONG!! What was wrong with me! I thought it was Ryan, but since Katelyn had started out a good sleeper, the evidence was crystal clear: it was a flaw in my parenting! Why wouldn’t she sleep?! I was soo tired! What was the problem?! After the third night of agony, I was just beside myself! I was so angry and tired and frustrated and GUILTY. More than the fatigue or any lack of sleep, the GUILT of it all was tearing me apart!! That night my sweet husband finally took my crying baby from my weak arms and eventually rocked her to sleep. I went to bed alone. I was tired and angry and frustrated and alone. What had I done wrong to my babies?!? What did I not know that everybody else seemed to understand? I had RUINED another baby. (yeah, those were my thoughts. It was a very difficult night.) As I had for weeks with Katelyn and almost two years for Ryan, I prayed again. Frustration clouded my thoughts. Finally, my emotions boiled down and I was still inside. Tired, but still. Somehow the anger was gone and I could think. I thought of my day. I thought of my kids. I thought of Katelyn. Then I realized she hadn’t had a dirty diaper in 3 days. The last 3 days of extreme fussiness!! I drifted to sleep.
The next morning, felt much better than yesterday or the day before. No real explanation, I just felt better inside. We went about our morning like usual, then Katelyn let out this really strange, painful cry and a little toot. I remembered my realizations (revelations) from the night before. My poor baby had a bad stomach ache and had for several days! I tried to lay her on her back and work on her tummy (Tummy massage--it’s magic, I know some awesome tricks!) I massaged her through the fussiness and then put her in our kitchen sink for a bath. She was in the bath for a long time. Suddenly, she let out that strange cry and started grunting. I won’t go into details, but after much work on her part, and some help from me, she finally passed a very hard stool. It made her little bottom bleed and she cried. I got her out of the bath and dried, but then it happened again- more hard stool, a little more bleeding. I put her back in the sink to help comfort and soothe her. She stayed in the bath another 20 minutes or so. When she was ready to get out, I picked her up and she cracked and popped all the way down her back. (Like chiropractic adjustment kind of popping.) Lots of pops. I took her over to get dressed and when I put her on her back, she didn’t squirm for the first time in days. Apparently she'd had a backache too! I got her all ready and my little princess fell sound asleep! Blissful, deep, restful sleep! And she didn’t cry at all! I felt so happy.
The whole thing was quite an experience for me. I felt bad that she had been in so much pain, but glad it was over. I felt bad that I didn’t know it, but grateful for the lessons I had learned. I realized I had been so caught up in the frustration and guilt, that I hadn’t taken time to be quiet and listen for answers. I jumped to the conclusion that I was obviously the problem and that there was nothing I could do. I just needed to find somebody ELSE who knew the answer and could tell me. My GUILT had completely blocked me from receiving revelation. Projecting my fear into the future --my fear of years of never sleeping, fears of “ruining” my child, fear of being a bad mom--had kept me from finding ANY peace IN the moment. I really had not been THAT exhausted when I had tried to rock my baby to sleep. But the thoughts of how long this would go on was more consuming than anything I had physically felt. I was angry at myself. I was angry and my innocent baby. I was angry at everyone else who seemed to know more than me but were keeping this valuable information to themselves. Then, in a moment of quiet reflection, I found answers that had always available to me.
After realizing that there really was a problem- and there really was a solution- and that it wasn’t all my fault- and that I could really know what is best for my children- and being humbled by having my desperate prayers answered, I have been a lot more patient. I am more patient with myself, my kids, and with other people. The hardest part of those few days was not the crying baby, it was the awful, destructive thoughts going on in my head! I didn’t ruin my child! It wasn’t really all my fault. I wasn’t a bad mom. And nobody was purposefully keeping parenting secrets from me! I had to listen carefully to my heart and I found answers!
That’s what it was for Katelyn. With Ryan, I had to keep searching. I talked with friends, but I also prayed a lot. I had found answers for both my children’s sleeping problems! For Katelyn, it was a simple answer. For Ryan, it took a little more work. I researched and read whatever I could, I consulted with friends. But, always, I checked with my heart to know what he really needed. What works for one child doesn’t work with every child. Eventually, a good friend gave me a book and about 10 days later, our lives changed completely as our son FINALLY started sleeping through the night and napping regularly.
I was so grateful for those 3 days that were so hard for me because it led me to seek answers. And, although I would NEVER want it again, and part of me wishes I had found answers earlier, I learned so much about patience and being present with Ryan, that I’m grateful for that time too. As mothers, we have divine stewardship over our children and a gift and responsibility to know their needs. Sometimes guilt and frustration can get in the way, but when we are able to put that aside, when we seek sincerely, answers will come. I have experienced this so many times, I just can’t deny it!
