I sat there at the table with my friends. Eating and socializing. Not really thinking much about the past weekend yet. I was actually finally somewhat free of the weight that had been pulling me down for several long days that felt more like months. I listened lightly to the speaker, nothing really standing out from any other meeting. Then Geri stood up and began to talk. I don’t know what her real message was about, something about Ammon and the missionaries. My heart began to beat faster. And harder. I heard each scripture she quoted with new ears, with a new meaning. Suddenly, the well known stories of missionaries became deeply and profoundly all about ME! And this trip to Texas. And all the feelings. I felt like Alice falling deep into the hole towards Wonderland. Most of what was around me began to disappear and I heard the words of the scriptures and the pounding of my heart in my ears. Words about a journey and about love and about eternity. I couldn’t even understand what I was feeling, only I became aware that I was crying. I noticed the concerned look of my dear friend and quickly wiped away a tear. But it kept coming. And coming and coming and coming. The tears pouring down my face. My emotions erupted to the surface, still not understanding what was happening. And then. I knew. It was absolutely undeniable that I was going to Texas. That this was more than a good idea, more than a good job, more than a whim. This was a direction from God. My feelings were uncontrollable. I excused myself so as not to cause a scene and just barely made it into the bathroom before a sob burst from deep within my heart, my very soul was changed. An understanding coming that God loved me and cared about me and has a plan for me. And suddenly, all turmoil settled and I was filled with a joy that can only be experienced, never fully described. A pure, celestial joy. The kind of joy that opens your cells and shouts Hosanna. I think the word is transcendent. I laughed and I cried. I tried to analyze it, but there was nothing in my experience of this life yet to describe it. I felt heaven. Closer than I ever had, at least up to that point. And then I felt love. Pure love. I felt so much love it broke out of my body. It almost hurt. My chest, my shoulders. The shift, the change, the...relief! I caught the tiniest glimpse into Heaven. Not with my eyes, not with any physical senses, just with my soul. I felt love for those dear friends in the other room. The women who had changed me and taught me and tutored me and mentored me and loved me. I loved them. I love them. With every piece of me. I was so grateful for them!! And that love transcended time and space. And I knew with certainty that I would see them again in Heaven. No matter what happened in this life, we had an unbreakable bond that would connect us.
It was at that moment I could think of my family. I could never fully comprehend how heart broken my mom was and would be. I could never feel what Karen felt as I moved away. I can’t fathom that experience of pain. But I knew--With no question. Knowledge--that this was good. That, BECAUSE of the Gospel, and BECAUSE of the Atonement of Jesus Christ, it would be ok. They could mend with HIS love. If they could feel what I felt even for a moment, it could be ok.
I had never in my life felt so much emotion and so much joy and so much love. No, not even the first time I held my very own babies. It was a sacred and marvelous experience. Indescribable, but real and memorable and certain. I thought it was all just about taking this job and moving to Texas. I thought it was about me being ok to spread my wings when my mom wanted me to stay. I thought it was just a learning experience. I thought it was a nice blessing to have a strong confirmation. I never could have imagined how much those few moments would affect the rest of my life. I never would have thought that my mom could die just a few weeks after moving away. I never could have imagined my life without her. I was supposed to be the one who cared for her as she aged. She was supposed to take the kids for a week or two every summer. I relied on her so much. For everything. Everything...
...That night on the couch in the foyer of the church, crying my eyes out with joy and anticipation and a little bit of fear. I didn’t realize how it would change my every single day. The way I view everything in life, even life itself is changed. It’s somehow clearer, more real. I miss my mom. I miss her more than I let myself know. But there is such a peace. There is such comfort. There is such hope and joy. God is good. God is real. He is real, He is love, He is joy. God is good.
